Celebrity Crush 2019

15 Jul 2023 by Charles Tatum

Oliver Robins returns to a lead onscreen performance for the first time in decades. Who is Oliver Robins, you might ask? He played Robbie in the first two "Poltergeist" films back in the 1980's. His career has led him behind the camera now, and he wrote and directed this underwhelming "Misery" ripoff. Jonathan Blaklee (Oliver Robins) was the child star of a slasher film called "Chain-Face Clown." He is dwelling in obscurity today, showing up at a Florida meet-and-greet with a fellow cast member when the now-cult film is being released on Blu-ray. Jonathan is on his own, leaving his fiancee (Melissa McNerney) back in LA, and goes the "Fatal Attraction" route by scoring with Emily (Alissa Schneider), who claims she has no idea he's a former celebrity. In fact, Emily is obsessed with Jonathan's horror film, having watched it when she was about the same age as Jonathan when he filmed it, and now she has him chained up in a remote garage, his obnoxious costar and fellow hostage is tied to a chair in another location, and she begins the task of getting Jonathan to fall in love with her in her own creepy, savage, unhinged way. Reading the plot summary before I started watching the film, I didn't think it could miss. I was a fan of the wickedly funny "Man Overboard" that Robins directed a while ago, but "Celebrity Crush" is an immense disappointment. Robins had the chance to skewer so many facets of his public life, but barely acknowledges any of them save a "Poltergeist" T-shirt in one scene, and a minor character named Karol Ann. Being a child star forever known for a classic horror film he did when he was ten years old while the rest of us were picking our noses and trying to get through elementary school, trying to work in an industry that forgets easily, B horror films, cosplay, rabid fans, comic book store & convention signings, fellow cast members- there is so much material available, but Robins lifts from "Misery" and does little else. The plot advances, and blindly plows through cliche after cliche. The film is in a hurry, as if it knows you might have an appointment in an hour and a half, and never pauses to generate any suspense or toss out a jump scare. The musical score is unmemorable, and the song score is massive and distracting. Schneider is attractive, it's obvious why Jonathan would notice Emily, but her performance is cringeworthy. Robins himself is better, but I would have liked to see more from the actor whose character was eaten by a giant scary tree when he was a kid. Robins hints that "Chain-Face Clown" may have affected Jonathan as a youngster, but that aspect is not followed through. It's hard to find, but "Man Overboard" proves Robins can do edgy material successfully. "Celebrity Crush" is as forgettable as the year I turned ten.